Home in ColoRADo

Home in ColoRADo

I’ve been back home in Colorado since Sunday. I left Bloomington at around 4pm on Saturday and just drove Gertie and I all night on I-70 and arrived at my cousin’s around 8am. The drive was without incident but my body is still in pain from sitting for so long. In case anyone was wondering (and I know you are because it’s the #2 question people as when they see my car), Gertie fits in the passenger seat just fine. I put my suitcase in the legspace and she’s able to curl up and sleep. She is a very good girl.

As much as I like being home, there’s a sort of alien feeling to it. Life here moved on without me and everything is mostly the same but with tiny changes that remind me that my place isn’t here anymore. I love staying with my generous and beautiful cousin and her wonderful husband, but it’s not my home. I enjoy seeing my friends, but now there’s a distance because our lives are so different now.

There’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to see people (despite desperately wanting to see them) because I don’t want to talk about grad school. I feel like I left with such high hopes and expectations for myself and I was so confident that I would do well and everyone was so encouraging and I felt like people had so much faith in me and that I wouldn’t let them down. Part of me is afraid that they want to hear how I’ve been killing it in grad school and living up to my own hype.
The truth is that my first semester of grad school truly and thoroughly kicked my ass. It wrecked all of my inflated self perceptions and made me confront the reality that I am not as smart as I thought I was, I’m not tough, and I’m not special. In fact, as I was writing that I started crying in Einstein’s which is the angel on top of my mediocrity tree. Grad school has brought out every one of my insecurities and pooped on them. But no one wants to hear about that and I don’t want to talk about it. But I also don’t want to pretend that it hasn’t been the hardest semester of my life by far and that I’m terrified that I’m in over my head, that I won’t be able to complete my degree, and that I’m wasting tens of thousands of dollars for something that is unattainable for me.

Also, travel constipation is my reality and I keep stress eating everything and bloating up and nothing is coming out. I’m going to head to King Soopers and get stuff to assemble a fiber-lactose cocktail that will blast out my body tubes. SO I’VE BEEN COMPLAINING to a select audience recently that I’m not excited for the next Pitch Perfect movie to come out because people compare me to Fat Amy a lot and it’s really unflattering. Not because Rebel Wilson is unattractive or her character is not hilarious, but because it’s an image I don’t care to represent. There is a big disconnect between what I say and what I think I’m saying and I’m beginning to realize that the stricken-through text is the kind of material where people might create a comparison between what I say and what Fat Amy might say. I can see it, even if I don’t agree. I’m a chronic oversharer, I’m working on it, I will be better. But also this acknowledgement DOES NOT mean I welcome comparisons to Fat Amy and for the love of Christ if you call me Fat Keke it will hurt me irreversibly and I will remove you from my life. Not kidding, it has happened before. I’m a very soft marshmallow baby and I can take a lot but I can’t take that.

Right now I’m working on my resume to send out for internships. I’ve got my eye on one particular internship in the Indiana Housing & Community Development Authority and the application is due on the 25th. I don’t even know where to start with my resume. I’m basically starting from scratch because my most recent resume was from my job search to enter the glamorous life of an administrative assistant. So if anyone wants to shoot me a template or something, much obliged.

I will be in Colorado for another week and back in Indiana on the 30th. If you want to see me, you have to pay for my lunch because I’ve got $80 in my bank account that has to get me until my final payday and spring semester loan dispersal.

Also here are some nice Colorado pictures that I’ve taken with my shitty phone camera.

The Macky Auditorium at CU Boulder
Main Street, Littleton
What’s New With Me/Reasons Why I Cried This Week

What’s New With Me/Reasons Why I Cried This Week

I haven’t posted anything in 2 weeks so it seemed like time for a short update.

I’m still at my newer job and I have a better understanding of what I’m doing.

I just finished my latest (and hopefully final) draft of my personal statement and I hope to start applying to grad schools next month. I might take the GRE again but I don’t know. I have way less free time now that I’m employed, so studying is much harder.

I haven’t used my trashcan in three weeks because of a pettiness stalemate with my roommate. She uses the kitchen trashcan for all of her trash (including bathroom trash), but never buys liners or takes the trash out. The other day she wedged a bag of bathroom trash on the top of the trashcan (that was clearly full) instead of taking it all out. After I took it out, I just didn’t replace the bag and it’s just stood there while I throw away my trash in paper grocery bags. When I was doing my meal prep on Sunday, I watched her bring a bag of trash to the kitchen trashcan to throw it away (still wearing her wizard’s robe), look inside the can and whisper “darn”, and then take the trash back into her room. Just 6 more months until the lease is up.

 

List of things I cried about about over the past seven days:

-Ellen interview with the guys from A Basin

-Ellen interview with Closet Mom

-I saw Gertie napping on my bed

-The inauguration

-Looked at my car

-The graduation episode of Gilmore Girls and the review episode of Gilmore Guys

-Stress from grad school apps

-Saw old man at Costco

-Hurt my knee

-Called my mom

-Frustrated at cereal box

-I read about how Liv Tyler thought Todd Rundgren was her father during her childhood and thought about how that relationship changed when she found out that Steven Tyler was her biological father.

-The women’s marches

-I feel stupid all the time

-I got smooched by a very big dog

-Dog in general

-I felt guilty about eating too many cookies

-Too crowded at Costco

-Everything is expensive

-My face is fat

 

Right now I’m at Solid Grounds working on my resume and personal statement because I have an application due on Feb 1 but now I’m second guessing applying to this school because my GPA and resume seem pretty lackluster compared to what they want. Most of the students in this program are coming in from the workforce (rather than from undergrad) and have relevant experience. They expect some degree of relevant experience from undergrads also- if it’s not work experience, they want internships and volunteer work. I don’t have any of that. I’ve been an effing admin assistant for the past year. I feel so inadequate.

Anyway, if you don’t hear from me soon it’s because nothing in my life is worth talking about. Stay golden.

 

 

 

 

Neck Strain From My Big Brain

Neck Strain From My Big Brain

So far, studying has been mental and physical torture. I’m focusing on math because I’m terrible at it, but I’ve been neglecting every other part of the test. I also can’t do a lot of studying at once because I start crying when I don’t understand the problems (and I don’t understand any of the problems.) My neck and shoulders are strained from hunching over my book so it’s physically painful to try right now.

I feel so discouraged because if I fail and I’m not accepted into any programs I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I can’t be an administrative assistant forever but I also don’t know what else I would want to do. I wish I hadn’t chosen Communication as my major and that I had chosen something more specialized.

I keep having to convince myself that I am smart and capable because this whole thing is messing with me and making me doubt myself. It’s exhausting but I feel guilty when I’m not studying because I feel like I’m just wasting time.

And this all has me using Netflix like a fucking binky because when I can’t handle my problems I pretend they don’t exist and watch hours of meaningless entertainment which I hate because I’ve listened to enough of that philosophy podcast to know that distracting myself is a problem.

Anyway this is all taking a toll on my image and I’m feeling down. Also the topics in Jeopardy! this week have been more challenging than usual which is not helping (looking at you Trebek.)

My self improvement goal for the next few weeks is to remove myself from my ego while I overcome my feelings of discouragement, doubt, and depression. It’s pointless to be anxious until after I’ve taken the test, and ultimately if I were to fail I would figure something out. It would be more of a bruise to my ego- an affirmation of my stupidity- than to my life in general.

 


In other news, Venus has transitioned into Scorpio and therefore I’m feeling super sexual which is a problem because I’m also alone. I can’t decide if I want to be alone or if I want to be with someone. I love being alone, but I also love doin’ it. There are a lot of things that are more fun with a partner, but I’m also kind of scared of men in general because of the high rates of domestic violence. I just finished The Gift of Fear which was great and taught me the warning signs of a potential abuser, but it’s kind of hard to tell with dating apps. Like, what if I go on a date with a crazy and I’m not into it but then he starts stalking or threatening me. If you’re a chick reading this you probably get it. If you’re a dude and thinking “Well, wouldn’t do that. Not all men…” stfu. There is a whole instagram account dedicated to men who go off the handle when faced with rejection. It’s scary shit and I don’t know if I want to fuck with it. On the other hand, I don’t leave my apartment if I can help it. What a sticky wicket.

 

 

 

Look how cute I am!