If I’ve learned anything from the constant facebook reposts from Thought Catalog and Word Elephant word it’s that open letters and advice from very specific viewpoints are popular. Like, “How to love a girl who once over-committed to a hook up once and kept waiting for him to call her to hang out but he never did even though he continued to watch her snapstory which gave her a little hope that they would someday reconnect” kind of specificity.
Although I don’t think my perspectives are special or unique in anyway, I am egotistical enough to believe that I have a way with words that has the potential to reach people. I am also fairly shameless about sharing my experiences (half a lie because I am ashamed of most of my actions but my desire to impress and need for attention always outweighs the shame) and I want to share them.
Right now it is cuffing season. For those who may not know or have never realized, cuffing season is the time of year where everyone starts to begin relationships. It’s related to the school year- we’re at midterms and settled into our academic routines, now we can focus on building social relationships, dating etc. I’m a longtime observer of this part of the year because I’ve literally never participated. But never mind about the crippling insecurities and self doubt, I’m totally in an excellent place to criticize everyone else.
But I’ve learned from everyone else’s mistakes (and through my daily painful hell of a personal life) and I’ve made a short list of advice from which I think many of us can benefit.
Relationships are not a necessity. You don’t need to be in a relationship to have a happy life. Relationships do not determine your worth because you’re intrinsically valuable and that value does not diminish according to who holds what labels in your life.
You can’t look for a relationship. You can want a relationship, but ultimately you’re looking for a person with whom to share a relationship. People who approach dating as a stepping stone to the end goal of being in a relationship are missing the point of dating all together. When dating, the goal is simply to get to know a person well enough to determine if they’re worth building something more.
I think that people who look for relationships are doing it for selfish means. Also, if you’re new to this blog you should know that I don’t think selfishness is a bad thing, I’m very pro-selfishness. Except in this case that selfishness involves another person and it’s not cool or fair to either of you. I say selfish because when you’re looking for a relationship, you’re looking for another person to serve your needs. Sure it can be mutual and you and someone else have paired up to serve their own needs with you, but that’s not partnership and it’s not healthy.
“But Keke, I want to be in a relationship because I want someone to take care of and worship.”- that’s objectification. Those actions are not for that person, it’s for you no matter how the person benefits from it.
All that being said, there isn’t anything wrong with wanting to be in a relationship or wanting to be with someone. I just don’t think it’s something a person can seek that’s healthy or yields positive long term results.
And I’m not on my high horse at all here because I’m 100% pathetic. I’ve been 2 dates in and planning his birthday party and imagining all the cute scenarios I wanted us to have during our inevitable relationship that I was desperately trying to make happen. But that wasn’t fair to him and it didn’t take into account what he wanted. I became a manipulative trickster trying to force things to happen because of what I wanted out of it all and I was thoroughly embarrassed about it all when it didn’t work out.
Hold out for more. There is no reason to be with someone who isn’t nice to you and doesn’t work to impress you every day. You do not need to be in a relationship. It’s your job to take care of yourself before taking care of others (like when you’re on an airplane and the oxygen masks drop. You can’t help others until you’re good to go with you.) You alone are at your equilibrium and involving other people in your life should only ever add positive value to your days. If they’re tipping you into a negative zone, the relationship isn’t worth pursuing or having.
“But Keke, it’s healthy for couples to fight and you’re a stupid piece of shit.” Both of these statements are true, but it’s absolutely not healthy to fight all the time and there should be no serious fights within the first 6 months of any relationship. If you’re having a serious fight with someone you’ve been seeing less than 6 months, gtfo. It’s not going to be worth it. If they’re causing more harm than good in your life, gtfo. You’re the most valuable person in your own life because without you, you’ve got nothing. You don’t need a relationship, you do need yourself. There will always be other people but you are the only you you have.
Know what you need. Some people can have unattached sex with anyone and it doesn’t affect them. Hats off, all salutes here. Some people (me) can’t do that and end up in sticky wickets.
Sex is not currency that one pays to win affection and commitment. Sex is either just sex or it’s a fun activity that partners share. Either way, you need to be on the same page as whoever you’re doing it with about what it means to both of you otherwise, someone’s going to be hurt.
“But Keke, my friend had a tinder hookup and now they’ve been together for years.” Your friend is a unicorn. You can’t expect the same results.
“But Keke, I’m horny.” Buy a vibrator or a love glove. If you know in your heart of hearts that you can’t have unattached sex, don’t set yourself up for failure. Using a vibrator will knock out your hot pants far more efficiently and it’s available for you whenever you want it. Eventually there will be someone who has the same end goals as you who will want to fuck you nonstop for years and you’ll make up for lost time then.
Personally, I’ve felt attracted to the slut lifestyle. I wanted to be wild and feel like I had no inhibitions about anything and I would chase that feeling like I was being paid for it. But honestly, I knew I didn’t feel good about it and that most of the time I was doing it to have a good story to tell my friends (and write about) later. I still like being able to shock people with some of the things I’ve done to myself and others, but none of the times in those stories added positively to my life. In fact, the negatives far outweigh the positives that happened and it fucked with my head and my self value for a really really long time. It’s something I’m still working through but acknowledging that I am the sort of person who needs commitment to enjoy doing it has forever improved me.
Anywayy, thanks for reading up to this point. You know I’m full of shit, I know I’m full of shit. I’m glad we can laugh through this shitshow together.
In other news, it’s been a bit since I’ve written anything worth reading (unless you’re really into sadness and my personal struggles.)
To catch up: Grad school is very very hard and I am being held afloat only by the graces of my smarter peers who allow me to ride on their coattails and who take the time (their most valuable resource) to try and educate me good about the many things I don’t understand.
I’m running out of money but somehow it doesn’t stop me from buying myself treats when I think I deserve it. (I never actually deserve it, I just love treats.)
I’m seeing a counselor through the school now. I’m investing further in my mental health and seeking help when I recognize my own warning signs. He’s a cool guy, he has a unicorn mug on his desk.
Midterms are almost over. I have a stats midterm on Thursday and it’s my last one and I’ve procrastinated studying for it by writing this. Midterms definitely helped me realize where I need to improve and I’ve reupped my commitment to work fucking harder and make it happen.
These are some
As you can see, first, titties. Second, I def have a preferred angle. Third, I’m not cool and am 100% a poser.