After my lab tonight I have completed 4 weeks of grad school. In some ways, it feels like it’s been longer because every week has been so busy but also it’s gone by so quickly that I feel like I’m always catching up.
The reality of my workload really kicked in this week and it’s got me hella shook. The lack of sleep is messing with my perspectives and priorities and I’ve been on the edge of tears all day because I’m just so tired and there isn’t an end in sight.
It’s been overwhelming but so far it’s rewarding. The things I’m learning are immediately applicable to what’s happening and what I’m interested in which is very different from my undergrad experience. There were some really challenging aspects to my studies at UNC but generally the expectations were low and the work was doable. But despite the work and imminent mental breakdown I feel generally okay about my academic future.
Personally am not feeling so sure about anything right now. PLEASE TAKE EVERYTHING BEYOND THIS POINT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT KNOWING HOW EXHAUSTED I AM AND THAT I AM ONE KEKETINI IN*. I just feel so sad and like I’m going to be alone forever and I hate saying that because it feels contrary to my commitment to self sufficiency. But there it is and I said it. It’s hard being out here on my own without someone to lean on and that I have never been able to find someone like that makes me feel like I have some huge flaw that everyone can see but me. I’m not looking for pity or a peptalk or anything, I just have had that feeling weigh on me for a really long time and I’m tired of holding onto it. Also when I was fatter I always had my weight as my default excuse for why I’m off the radar but now that I’ve lost (and am continuing to lose) weight it’s becoming less valid.
Annnyyway, thanks for reading my little update. I’ve got to get back into the books and finish one thing on my to-do list before I can reward myself with sleep and hope I feel better tomorrow.
*a Keketini is a glass of pinot grigio with a shot of tequila in it.