Have been meaning to write this all week but there hasn’t been a great opportunity to just sit down and write about how things are going.
In short, they are okay. I’m having a lot of feelings about many things, about 60% are stress related. I think the stress is the worst part because it’s coming from so many sources that it doesn’t really seem like it can be contained and it’s a big distraction from my work and enjoyment. When I was working, I could easily check out of the work I was doing to figure things out and de-stress, but I cannot do that in class. Working part time jobs and being an admin turned my brain into sand so being back in a classroom and having to pay attention is a challenge in and of itself.
In general, I just feel as though I’ve already fallen behind. I feel like all my peers know so much more than me and that I’m certainly the dumbest one in class because it takes so much effort for me to keep up and it’s just the first week. It’s been going by so quickly and I’m worried about all the things I’m missing because I’m going in circles trying to understand what’s happening.
I’m also going a little crazy from not having a job right now. I’m happy that I left the restaurant and I don’t regret it, but it kills me to spend money without anything going in my bank account. I have a TA job, but it’s only 10 hours a week. On the flip side, I’m already feeling overwhelmed by my coursework that I don’t know how I could be a student, a TA, and have a part time job all at once. I think I’m just going to have to put off thinking about it until later in the semester when I have a better routine.
I also just miss home a lot. I miss my old job where I was well liked by my coworkers and I was hamster wheeling. I’ve made some friends here but it’s hard to start from scratch after spending all my time with people who know all my baggage and still choose to associate with me.
One thing that has been going consistently well is that I’ve continued to lose weight since arriving. I was worried that I would stall because I was not able to go to the gym regularly since getting here. I just bought a gym membership to a private gym a couple days ago because I cannot deal with the crowds at the student rec centers.
THAT’S ANOTHER THING. I don’t do well with crowds at all and everything here is busy all the time. I’m at a Starbucks 20 minutes out of town right now and there are still students everywhere. My anxiety levels are skyrocketing because there doesn’t seem to be anywhere that’s off limits and no where is actually quiet or chill. I’m not used to it. Also my apartment is still infested with ants and so I feel like my anxiety about the ants and the people are overlapping because being overcrowded or invaded is a feeling I can’t escape.
Anyway, I need to get some work done. I wish I could write a post without it seeming like a list of complaints because things aren’t really bad here. I just miss home. I feel so disoriented here and it’s been really frustrating trying to adapt to a totally new place. I wish I knew how to branch out and meet tons of different people but I have no clue what I’m doing and I’m not brave enough to try anything.
I’ll be updating as I go along so hopefully soon we will see an upswing.