So it’s been over a month since my last post so my bad if you’re really interested in my life and you feel like you’ve been missing out.
My February wasn’t that much of a thrill. I spent my weekdays working and my weekends working on my grad school apps. I’ve sent out three apps and I’m not sure if I’m going to send out anymore because it’s expensive and I don’t know if I have a real shot at any of them anyway. At work I’ve been learning a new skill which is demanding and stressful and it’s killing me. I’ve cried in the bathroom so many times so far and then one of my managers caught me crying so whenever she sees me she asks if I’m okay. It seems like a nice gesture, but I think she’s doing an overreaction thing and she acts like I’m going to breakdown at any minute and I find it condescending. I cry a lot and I can’t really help it. I’ve tried to fix it, I can’t.
Other thing that happened in February: I hit a year of involuntary celibacy and then broke that streak about a week later. Gave myself a pat on the back for that one. On the 18th of this month I will have lived in my apartment for a year and will have spent $10,200 in rent.
I’m really worried about the status of my applications. I’ve been dedicating every weekend since last August to getting into grad school. Studying for the GRE, working on my personal essay, researching schools, working with my adviser- this has been the big things in my life and basically my self worth and future is hanging in the balance. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t get in because I don’t mind my job but it’s not a career and I don’t know how to get into a different career without an advanced degree. I know I want to move out of state no matter what, but the logistics of doing it boggle me and I don’t know how to do any of it. I’m super effed up about it all right now.
I’m trying to not feel so lost right now and to work on setting achievable goals so I have something to work towards.
In good news: I was thinking about what it would be like if I was hit by a meteorite and died on impact and the prospect was not thrilling to me. #progress.