A week from today I am going to turn 24 years old and I will have been unemployed for an entire month. Also the election is tomorrow and it’s giving me panic attacks.
So altogether I’m feeling pretty low. I don’t want to be a year older because that will mean that an entire year of my young life was wasted. Your postgrad early twenties are supposed to be somewhat good right? You’re supposed to be stressed about starting a career and beginning an adult life, but you’re still supposed to go out with friends and go on short trips and create positive memories.
To recap, this is how 23 went for me:
-Out of the 30 people who rsvp’d yes to my birthday party, 6 came and one of them had an emotional breakdown when she saw her ex and blamed me for having him there and cried for the rest of the night. I walked out of my own party and in bed by 11.
-Worked all morning on Christmas Eve, came home and spent the rest of the day alone while my mom was gambling in the mountains with her husband, despite telling me several times over 6 hours that she was on her way home.
-Despite my requests, had to open at Starbucks on New Years Eve at 4 am followed immediately by a double at the Tavern which was extended into a triple because the other guy was on overtime and had to work until 1:30 am. I got one half hour break at 10 am, but other than that had a 21.5 hour work day. Had to go back in at 10am New Years Day for another double.
-Dated a guy through January, was not great so I broke it off. He called me 4 weeks after to “talk”, told me I should lose weight, and then told me he was breaking up with me. To be clear, I was very clear when I broke it off the first time.
-In February, my mom gave me two weeks to quit the Tavern, find a new job and find a new apartment.
-Signed into a 15 month lease
-Planned Tekekela Day for the 70 people who rsvp’d yes, purchased and prepared food and alcohol for 70 people, 12 people showed up.
-Roommate moves out and is replaced with a fucking nut who doesn’t clean herself or pick up any of her shit.
-Quits Starbucks after getting hired at a seemingly great place, worked there for 2 weeks before being fired with no explanation.
-A week after that was told that I would be losing my office job at an undetermined time.
-Spend 3 months applying for jobs and agencies, have received 6 call backs and 2 interviews. Out of around 90 applications.
-Am now unemployed despite my best efforts not to be. Has been 3 weeks since I applied for unemployment and have still not received the information necessary to get paid.
-Feeling grad school slowly slip away as I become less able to pay for the GRE, application fees, and transcript fees.
-Gaining weight and losing hair again.
-My tags are expired and I need an emissions test before I can replace them and I can’t afford it. Also the driver’s door on my car is broken so I have to open it from the passenger side or back seat.
-I’m very worried about violence after the elections results are out. After this election and what we’ve seen, I will not be surprised if women, people of color, and Muslim people are targeted by angry Trump supporters.
To be fair, good things have happened too. But comparatively fewer and farther between.
Being 24 could really go either way. I know I haven’t hit rock bottom yet so there’s room to descend. There’s also the possibility that things will get better but I’m not exactly holding my breath for that one.
I don’t want to die, but I’m just saying that getting hit by a bus right now could only be a win. I would die and feel the sweet release of death, live and make a fortune from the lawsuit, or be permanently disabled and do basically the same thing I’m doing now but I’d feel less guilt for it.
Anyway, I have to go to bed so I can be well rested for another day of doing nothing.
Also have a happy election day, make good choices.