So far, studying has been mental and physical torture. I’m focusing on math because I’m terrible at it, but I’ve been neglecting every other part of the test. I also can’t do a lot of studying at once because I start crying when I don’t understand the problems (and I don’t understand any of the problems.) My neck and shoulders are strained from hunching over my book so it’s physically painful to try right now.
I feel so discouraged because if I fail and I’m not accepted into any programs I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I can’t be an administrative assistant forever but I also don’t know what else I would want to do. I wish I hadn’t chosen Communication as my major and that I had chosen something more specialized.
I keep having to convince myself that I am smart and capable because this whole thing is messing with me and making me doubt myself. It’s exhausting but I feel guilty when I’m not studying because I feel like I’m just wasting time.
And this all has me using Netflix like a fucking binky because when I can’t handle my problems I pretend they don’t exist and watch hours of meaningless entertainment which I hate because I’ve listened to enough of that philosophy podcast to know that distracting myself is a problem.
Anyway this is all taking a toll on my image and I’m feeling down. Also the topics in Jeopardy! this week have been more challenging than usual which is not helping (looking at you Trebek.)
My self improvement goal for the next few weeks is to remove myself from my ego while I overcome my feelings of discouragement, doubt, and depression. It’s pointless to be anxious until after I’ve taken the test, and ultimately if I were to fail I would figure something out. It would be more of a bruise to my ego- an affirmation of my stupidity- than to my life in general.
In other news, Venus has transitioned into Scorpio and therefore I’m feeling super sexual which is a problem because I’m also alone. I can’t decide if I want to be alone or if I want to be with someone. I love being alone, but I also love doin’ it. There are a lot of things that are more fun with a partner, but I’m also kind of scared of men in general because of the high rates of domestic violence. I just finished The Gift of Fear which was great and taught me the warning signs of a potential abuser, but it’s kind of hard to tell with dating apps. Like, what if I go on a date with a crazy and I’m not into it but then he starts stalking or threatening me. If you’re a chick reading this you probably get it. If you’re a dude and thinking “Well, I wouldn’t do that. Not all men…” stfu. There is a whole instagram account dedicated to men who go off the handle when faced with rejection. It’s scary shit and I don’t know if I want to fuck with it. On the other hand, I don’t leave my apartment if I can help it. What a sticky wicket.