What’s new with me?
-I’ve dreamed about sharks for the past 4 nights and I don’t know what it means and I don’t think I want to find out.
-I am going to lose my office job sometime in the next month probably (not my fault, my contract is up and they’re going to hire a full timer and it’s not me because I’ll be leaving in a year for grad school and also because it is not my destiny to be an admin)
-My hair is starting to fall out again and I only want to eat Oreos
-I have an interview for another admin position today in Broomfield. So there’s that.
-I’m very bitter about nothing in my life ever going right but this is also a good opportunity to find one full time job instead of working two part time jobs.
-Got a job with a photobooth company (thanks Liz) but quit because of stress and because I definitely need weekends to be able to work on my grad school applications
-Project grad school is definitely underway- have expanded my list from 3 schools to 7 schools and have (basically) figured out what I want to do while I’m there
-I am so sick of my roommate, I cannot even. I don’t even see her that much, but yesterday she took my stuff out of the washer (my bad for leaving it there) and knocked on my door and opened the door before I had a chance to respond. I’m still so salty about it because what the fuck that is so invasive. I could have been naked, I could have had a male guest over, I could have been watching dirty videos. I was, in fact, fully clothed, desperately hungover, and watching Pokemon. I didn’t even know what to say because I’ve never had a roommate willing to violate my privacy so willingly. I don’t know how I should have told her how incredibly rude it is to do that to someone because if you don’t already know by 23, you were never going to figure it out in the first place. And also one time before, I had clothes in the dryer and when I came home they were folded and in my room. So again, my bad for leaving them in the dryer, but drop them on the coffee table or in front of my door! Don’t go in my fucking room! I’m so bothered by it, especially since I usually leave my bedroom door open so Gertie can go in and out during the day. Since I didn’t like her in the first place I know I’m being far more critical of her than of my previous roommates. But even the evil bitch of a roommate that fucked my drunk brother on my 21st birthday could understand to not touch my things or go in my room.
So those are the things that have happened in the past week. On a much happier note, my beautiful, kind, and perfect cousin got married to a fantastic person and the ceremony was lovely.
Right now one of my goals is to optimize my time to the best of my ability so I can prepare my brain for higher-higher ed. After listening to The History of Rome, I started listening to a podcast called Philosophize This! and it is doing a number on my brain and thinking. If you’ve been following me long enough, you might remember that I took a class on German philosophers when I was in Germany. If you were with me in person during that time, you might remember me crying over my laptop trying to understand any of it. Eventually I had a breakthrough once I found the relationship between Kant’s philosophy and the stuff I learned through feminist theory. That’s basically where I started and what got me into it.
I’ve listened from the early 1800s and the Enlightenment, through the mid 1900s. The effort to change my own understanding of the world is freeing in itself. My body might be enslaved by the daily struggle to survive, but my mind is elsewhere. It makes me feel separate from the masses because my brain is where I truly exist and my body is a fleshy husk that takes me places. Also my body is the fleshy husk that has to pay bills and manage life within society.
Additionally, it has made me pretentious A-F. I’m a supreme asshole. Maybe one of the things I should be taking away from this is humility but that’s not happening. My brain is so big and full of information which I’m converting to knowledge that can eventually be processed into understanding. It’s very complex so I get why some people are content to live their entire lives blindly following along with what everyone else is doing. I am experiencing the scene in the Matrix when Neo wakes up and his eyes hurt because once your brain opens up you can’t stop the flow bro. I am overwhelmed and nauseated with the prospects of what my true ability is and also how limited I am. I wish I could be a genius baby with the means to communicate my development. Or if I had an early philosophic education and could live my entire life understanding how my experience affects my reality.
Is also changing my perception on religion. I’ve had some of these thoughts for a long time, but I didn’t know how to articulate them. But like, if human can only know things within the sphere of our experience how do we have any business trying to define a heavenly figure like God? We’ve taken an initial concept of God and have passed it down through human experience so that we can define it within terms we understand. What is that? Me don’t know! I used to be so comfortable and sure in my knowledge but that illusion has completely shattered because now I cannot be sure of anything other than the fact that I am a thinking thing.
A liberated mind is unrestricted, but I kind of liked being restricted because it gave me direction and I didn’t truly have to make any choices and it was really comfortable. I still have the option to follow along, but I don’t know that I want to. It’s like being a
fish mermaid in the middle of the ocean and trying to chose a direction to go. It’s not like earth where your options are basically 360 degrees around you, because you can go up and diagonal and literally infinite amount of ways and you don’t have to commit to going one way because you have the ability to move wherever. Also this ocean goes on for infinity and there’s no knowable escape. You can follow a current and it might get you somewhere, but why go somewhere when you can go anywhere?
That’s sort of where I am now. I listen to it when I’m at the gym because it’s like a workout for my brain while I’m working out my body. #optimization
If you’re interested in listening, it’s called Philosophize This! by Stephen West and is available on iTunes and Spotify and probably a lot of other sources that I don’t care about so much.