What am I do?
So for some reason (pre-menstruation), my medication has stopped working and I experienced this week like it was before I started getting help.
It’s horrible. It’s like the past 4 months of therapy and medication were useless because I’m back to where I was before and that was the worst time of my life. It’s an internal conflict because I rationally know that I’m feeling this way because my medication isn’t working, but that knowledge doesn’t really stop anything.
The worst and most nagging feeling is that I’ll never have a job that will pay me enough to pay off my loans, buy a house, travel, or do any of the things I actually want to do. I work all the time but after rent, my credit card debt, and my loans I have nothing to show for it. All together it makes me feel resentful of everything. I hate seeing my friends go on wonderful vacations, snapchatting from jobs they love, talking about the challenges of grad school because those are all things I want but seem unattainable for the foreseeable future. And I’m happy for my friends- I think it’s great that they are in a situation where they can do those things. The bitterness is just really heavy.
Also, the political atmosphere is actually destroying me. This election feels like a doomsday device no matter how you frame it and there is no escaping it. Impending doom has a consistent presence in my consciousness. Like, every day someone will post something about another species that is going to be extinct this year and I feel like I’m going to throw up when I see someone throw away something that can be recycled and I stay awake because I can’t stop thinking about human destructiveness.
I’ve also been listening to this podcast about the history of Rome (it’s called The History of Rome and it’s on spotify) and I think it’s great but the one overriding theme is that PEOPLE NEVER FUCKING CHANGE. It’s like all of humanity is on this never ending cycle and we won’t learn from it because we are stupid. Examples: After the Punic wars, the Romans acquired a lot of land and a lot of slaves so the rich people bought the land from the Roman farmers and used cheap slave labor to run the farms, which left the Roman farmers in the mud and all the sudden the land distribution went from (somewhat) equal to having the richest Romans owning 95% of the land. THE 1 PERCENT. Politicians attempted reforms which had the support of the people but were shot down by the wealthy members of the senate. And years later, Caesar Augustus tried to impose morality standards on the people blamed the lax social climate of Roman on the lack of proper family structure. SAME THINGS. Also, there was a common trend in wealthy roman families to name their kids “unique” names or old fashioned traditional names. SAME THINGS AS TODAY.
I think it’s funny but also so indicative of human nature, at least in the western world.
Am also super into this pirate game which is providing me with many distractions.
So that’s where I am now,