What is Happening Now

Hanna and I have finally found a place to live that is not actually an internet scam! I move in tomorrow and she’ll move in next month.

I’m glad the stress of finding a place is over but I also feel like I’m waiting for everything to get much worse. I have all my paperwork together except I’m waiting for my psychiatrist to let me know if he thinks my dog is beneficial to me and will help with my depression and anxiety. I’m not trying to abuse the system, but without that email I would have to give her up for a while until I can afford the pet fee, deposit, and pet rent and I think that not having her with me will make my stress and anxiety so much worse. The other problem is that I only had my first session on Tuesday, so it looks like I just went in to get the letter but I actually made the appointment back in January before any of my housing stuff started to happen.
Being medicated has honestly not been that much of a game changer for me. The only difference is that I feel nauseated all the time and I don’t have cravings for any of my old vices anymore. Candy and sweets are doing nothing for me. It’s been about 4.5 weeks since I started on it and I know it’s supposed to kick in after a long time but in the meantime I’m just sad and anxious.
Working 55-60 hour weeks is killing me. One of my managers scheduled me an extra shift at Starbucks this morning which drove me over the edge. Like, it’s hard enough to do 4 days there and 5 at the office, and doing 5 and 5 was way too much. And not only that, but nothing was handled well at all and I reacted very poorly to it. It’s like, during my 4 day work week there, 75% of it is good. But then there’s that one day when I just fantasize about walking out. It’s the same shift every week. It’s so bad, my fantasies about quitting my job are stronger than all my other fantasies. Last night right before I fell asleep I imagined the shift manager telling me to do something and then I just dropped the drink I was making and exited out the front. It was genuinely satisfying 
I don’t even know what I could do to fill the money void if I quit though. I don’t know where else I could find a job that gives me enough pay/hours that can work around my office job.
Anyway, things aren’t great for me but they also haven’t been in a long time so I’m sure I’ll survive.
I didn’t get to celebrate St. Patrick’s day yesterday since I am officially 5 weeks sober and also because I had work the next morning, but I thought I would share this fun anecdote about the time I was in Ireland.
I was young, attractive, and naive. I was on a pub crawl looking for my sweet “Gerard Butler in PS I Love You” moment minus the death. Things were going great, totally spent the whole time flirting with the tour guide. At the last stop he pulled me over, pushed my hair behind my ear and whispered: “Do you want to give me a blowjob in the bathroom?”  

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s