Things at my new job are fine. Sometimes there’s a lot to do, sometimes there is nothing. Because I’m a lazy motherfucker, I prefer the times when I have nothing to do. I like doing things but I like not doing things even more.
Things have been getting better the past few weeks. While it’s too soon for my new meds to change anything, I think going to the doctor and seeking help has made a huge difference in my attitude towards it. So while I still feel like a piece of shit all the time, I’ve decided that I’m not going to let that stop me. It also helps that I’ve reduced my stress level from a 9 to about a 6. I’m not as worried about my financial situation now that I have a job that pays above minimum wage. Between my two jobs, I work about 55 hours a week which means that I just alternate between sleeping and working 4 days a week. While that’s sad, it doesn’t bother me as much now since I now have an actual weekend every weekend.
My main stress source is finding a place for Gertie and I to live which isn’t crazy expensive and is relatively close to both my jobs. It is a bitch. It’s really fucking hard and I hate it. I need to find a place and move in the next two weeks- I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I wish I had more time to get some more paychecks from this job through, pay off my credit card and some more of my private loans so that I could have more money to invest in rent. But I can’t, so I am sorting through craiglist posts for about 3 hours every day. I wish it was like college where the rent was $350 a month, utilities included, and I got to live with my friends.
What I really want to do is travel again. I can’t stop thinking about it. I have so many places I want to go but it seems like it’s going to be so long before I can afford to go anywhere other than Casa Bonita, and even that is kind of a stretch.
Am also trying to write my last college memoir about my study abroad but I am honestly too emotional about it to get past the first paragraph. But it will get done, because I am a finisher now. I’m going to finish the things I start.
Also, regarding my last post: thanks to everyone who was so supportive. I understand it’s hard to watch someone crash and burn but you all handled it with a lot of tact and consideration and I really appreciate it. I feel that a lot of people don’t understand what depression really is because it’s not talked about in depth that often. It’s a word that we all use a lot but not so much in it’s true form. There’s a difference between when a stable-minded person feels sad or lonely who says that they are depressed. That’s not true. One may have feelings of depression without being a depressed person. A depressed person’s brain is being a lazy asshole and not producing any or enough of the right hormones. There are a lot of different things that can cause the brain to laze out and it can also be hereditary. There are also a lot of different ways it can fuck with you- depression is just one of them.
It’s important to know this kind of stuff when you have depressed people in your life because you need to know that it has nothing to do with you. You can be the best, most supportive friend in the world but until your person’s brain is balanced there isn’t anything you can do for them except to be there and not try and make them feel worse. It’s not a case of needing to be “cheered up.” If a person with depression doesn’t want to go out or meet with you, it probably has nothing to do with you at all and please don’t pressure them to go if they don’t want to because that can make things way worse.
You are not responsible for their mental health. You cannot blame yourself if they are still depressed after you’ve tried to be there and help. It’s exhausting as fuck, and you have to be forgiving of yourself because it’s really hard to put out all that energy for someone who doesn’t seem to be reciprocating. When they’re well, they’ll be there for you too.