So this is the third day of my new job at an underground pipe company (I’m not sure about it’s social media policy, so until I know it will remain nameless.)
I feel okay about it. It’s fine. It’s not my dream job or dream company and there’s not a lot of personality to go around but the pay is good and the hours are manageable. Since I’m still working at Starbucks I’m still pulling 12 hour days which is slowly destroying me. My immune system is down, my entire body aches and I feel so tired all the time. But gotta make those dollar bills and I don’t have the upper body strength for stripping yet..
So far, all I’ve been doing is filing and shredding. My computer hasn’t been set up, so I will have more to do once I have that. I have to figure a lot of stuff out on my own, a lot of it seems like stuff I can only learn over time and that is frustrating to me because it makes me feel stupid.
I kind of miss working at the Tavern but only because I miss the people. I don’t miss telling people where to sit or giving them food.
Idk, I’ve lost my spark. Even at Starbucks I used to talk to people when I was making coffee but now I just feel irritable all the time. I don’t feel like myself and I haven’t had fun in a long time. Also have realized that my whole life is just repeating itself because I felt this exact same way last year at this time except for then I was about to leave the country and this time I’m stuck here for the foreseeable future. Coincidentally, Gertie is sick now with the same thing she was sick with then and is on the same medication. It’s like being on a misery cycle or like I’m Orpheus and I fucked up really bad once and now I’m forced to relive the same terrible existence over and over. On the other hand, this is all providing me with excellent material for my therapist.
The other day I got drunk on margaritas and tried to get a tattoo but they had no open spaces so I made an appointment for the next day and never went. Not because I don’t want a tattoo, but because I don’t have the money for that shit and if I’m going to commit to something that big I am willing to put down a lot of money for it (take notes boys.)
I think ultimately I just really need to get away. Not a vacation, I need to delete my social media and wipe my phone and leave the state and not tell anyone that I’m leaving or where I’m going. It’s like committing suicide without the commitment.
That got to a dark place pretty quickly, so stopping abruptly and wrapping up right here.