Last night I hit a raccoon when I was driving some friends home. It was snowy and I didn’t see it until it was too late and I feel so horrible about it.
So this has been one of the worst weekends of my life. I’m so happy I have my sister, my aunt nad cousins, friends and coworkers to be my support through all of this.
Basically, I spent the whole weekend unsure of if I had a home or not. I had to pack up all of my things and make choices between which things I can take with me and what I would have to leave behind. I loaded my car with things I would need if I had no time to pack and I made arrangements for where Gertie would go while I figure things out.
I prepared myself to become emotionally cut off from my mother, which was the hardest thing and I couldn’t do it. I cannot imagine a life where I don’t talk to my mom every day, but for two days it seemed like an inevitable part of my future. I kept saying to myself “If I look back, I am lost” which is a quote from A Song of Ice and Fire when Daenerys has lost everything but keeps moving forward because she has to.
But I’m done. I’m done with sucking up to my mom’s abusive husband just to that I can live in this house. I’m done with my mom asking me to talk to him so that he doesn’t throw me out, and I’m sick of not being able to tell her what I’m thinking for fear that he will isolate her from the rest of her family.
I’m not afraid anymore. I know there are people who will help me through all of this until my mom realizes that he is abusive and controlling, and that he’s spent their entire time together trying to separate her from the people who love her. I hope that my mom sees what everyone else sees and that she loves and trusts herself enough to get the fuck out of there before it’s too late.
I put in my two weeks notice at the Tavern today and if I can’t find a better job in that time I can get more hours at Starbucks until I can. I love the people at the Tavern, but I’d be selling myself far too short if I stayed there any longer. When I asked to put in my notice, the GM didn’t say anything to me, he just gave me the sheet and went back to work. So I don’t regret it at all, I just want to be as amicable as possible so I can still go there for trivia nights.
This whole weekend I was deciding if I had nothing to lose or everything to lose. I feel like I’m losing my mom no matter what. There’s is nothing left to fight for except myself. Honestly, there were a few times this weekend when I felt like it would all be easier if I gave up and ended myself. This weekend I held a box cutter in my hand and I dared myself to do it. But I’m never going to stop fighting for myself. My life is going to be great because this is all going to end and I’m going to get through it and I will be unstoppable.