So right now my life is like a piece shit that someone forgot in a reststop bathroom a few weeks ago and it’s just been festering and fermenting and waiting for that sweet release when someone finally flushes it away.
Things aren’t going great right now. Yesterday my mom told me that she has already put our house on the market so she can move to the mountains with her piece of shit husband in the next two months, so that basically means I have less than two months to find a better job and move out because I can’t move an hour out of town and work where I do and I can’t afford to stop working at any point since I’m spending 75% of my income on my student loans and bills.
And I’m like “Hey mom, why are you so eager to isolate yourself an hour away from civilization with a man who treats you like shit?” but my thoughts and opinions have never really appealed to her much so…
I don’t like to do angry emotional dumps on this blog. I know I do somewhat frequently, but I don’t enjoy it. It’s just something I feel like I have to do because I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this stuff (I mean, I do but I also talk to the same people and I don’t want to burn them out either.)
I just have to put it all out there because I feel like I’m going crazy and I need someone else to validate my feelings.
In addition to that situation, I’ve had really bad nausea for about a week and I can’t locate the source (and I’m not fucking pregnant that is such a rude thing to ask.) Also really starting to regret going back to Starbucks. I like my coworkers, but there are some really big problems in the store that are hard to ignore and every day it eats at me and makes me doubt it all. Also the fact that now I just go back and forth between working and sleeping and I’m exhausted all the time.
In other news I started dating someone and I’m learning that I am far too insecure to date because every time I feel like I say something wrong or every time I don’t get a text I feel like it’s all over and that I should never have gotten emotionally involved in the first place and then when things are going well I think everything is fine and call myself stupid for worrying. I’m worried that I inherited terrible taste in men from my mother and that I will never have a successful relationship because I never learned how since my parent’s marriage was also not good.
Also, Donald Trump is just a loud fearmonger. All he does is create more fear over Muslims, gun control, the economy, etc so that people will see him as a hero and rescuer from the problems that he creates.
During times like these I have really strong cravings for candy, but I’ve finally begun to see results from the gym so I don’t want to binge but also I feel like I deserve it because I feel so shitty and I honestly believe that candy will help to heal my emotional wounds.
One positive thing is that I’ve started to seriously look into Masters programs so that I can get my MPA. Without school, I feel like my brain is stagnating and I hate it. I need to be learning and I want to get back into it as soon as possible.
On my Insta I posted this quote which has really inspired me to focus on maintaining myself instead of crashing in because of my situation:
I also generated that image all by myself using a typography app.
I’m also trying to be a good friend to myself and be forgiving with some help from Amy Poehler.
Thanks for listening to me. I watched a documentary about how vulnerability makes us more empathetic and more open to positive relationships, so this is me making an effort to be vulnerable.
Also if you know of a place where Gertie and I can live, much appreciate.