How to Be More Like Me

People always say to me “Keke, your double life as a barista/hostess at a 3 star casual restaurant is so glamorous. How do you handle the volume of gentleman callers knocking at your door? I don’t know how you’ve maintained your fat:muscle ratio for so long. What are your secrets? How can I be more like you.”

While it is true that my life is enchanting and enviable, I will not lie and say that this level of achievement was easy to obtain. Even I struggle every day to maintain my glittering lifestyle.
If you want to be more like me, here is an easy to follow guide:
1. Don’t be like me. My life is a festering piece of shit that someone left in a public toilet weeks ago waiting for that sweet release when someone finally flushes me away and I dissipate so that it’s like I never existed at all. 
2. Wear bold lipsticks with cat eyeliner. 

3. Criticize everything, refuse to be happy with how things are. 

4. Alternate between appearing emotionless and crying all the time. 0 to 60.

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