Being A Passive Aggressive Bitch

I’ve been blogging for almost 4 years and my most popular post (by far) was titled “How to Passive Aggressively Let Someone Know You Hate Them” and I think that post has really carried me to where I am now (which is pretty much the exact same place actually.) But I’ve never blogged with the intention of being famous or making any money.

Since I wrote that post, my passive aggression has only gotten worse. I think years of customer service and retail has destroyed my mentality when it comes to actually standing up for myself so I spend a lot more time trying to come up with new and clever ways to get back at people without them ever knowing it was me and then silently congratulating myself on my little victory.

The secret to being successfully PA is to leave the work to the other people. You have to lay the traps and wait for them to fall in them. You can do this in several ways, but the most satisfactory is the long game. The long game requires more patience and dedication, but is worth it. 

A few weeks ago, one of my crotchity old woman neighbors walked to my house to complain to my mom and I about our dog. We received the criticism gracefully (enough) and let her walk away thinking that she won. For the next two weeks after that I would walk down the street early in the morning and place a folded note on her car. I never wrote anything on it, but I folded it so that it was clearly intentional. I would place it under her windshield wiper on the drivers side and then walk home. After two weeks, I stopped. I realize this may seem really dumb, but I get a huge kick whenever I think of her opening the notes expecting some message and never getting it. I think it’s funnier that they just stopped happening and she’ll never know what they were about and wondering if they were some secret signal or gang thing and becoming paranoid. You might be thinking “Keke, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you fucking with an old woman?” She threatened my dog.

The long game only really works from a distance though, and does not work as well if you have day-to-day contact. If there is someone who you see on a daily basis who you hate, my go-to method involves inconveniencing them in the smallest way possible as many times as you can.

When I worked at Panera, there was this girl who was probably the biggest twat in the world and she hated me for no reason (I hated her too, but I had a lot of reasons.) She was also 16 years old, which only made things worse since she had this superiority complex and liked to try to boss me around. One time we were on a shift together and every time she’d tell me something, I would pretend I couldn’t understand her and I’d ask her to repeat herself either louder or slower. Sometimes I would just brush off whatever she said and say the environment was too loud for me to understand. I did this every shift we had together until she eventually just stopped talking to me altogether. It did not stop her from running her mouth about me to everyone else in the store, but when it came out that I could actually hear everyone else there clearly it still felt like a win.

A lot of all of it is to only do things that would be unreasonable for others to really complain about so that they have to internalize all of their frustration.

There’s also the Silent Satisfaction, which is not only the name of the romance novel I’m writing, but the passive aggressive method where you do stuff to other people and only you know about it.

Throughout high school, whenever my sister was a bitch to me I would use her tweezers on my pubes and then put them back with her stuff. I still haven’t told her, but the secret is out now.

If you ever have access to someone’s facebook, you can change their privacy settings so that only they can see their status updates, pictures etc so that whenever they post something and don’t receive any feedback they’ll be filled with self doubt. This is also a good example of how emotionally dependent some people are on social media.

As most people know (because I’m never shy about saying anything) I’m not a huge fan of children. I like them from a distance, which is to say I only like them when they are far away from me. Working in public places means that I am around children for an undesirable amount of time through my day. It’s all okay as long as the parents are parenting, but it really drives me crazy when kids are running around unwatched and  the parents are letting them go crazy. It’s also a safety hazard because they run into people and knock things down and it also disrupts other people’s lives. I honestly believe parents should not take their kids out during busy periods in stores or restaurants unless they are willing to keep their kid under control.

While I consider unruly kids to be a consequence of their parents, I also think kids learn best through experience and social pressure. When the purposeful stare doesn’t work, I rely on the faithful cropdust. That’s right, I fart near the kids head. It might not change anything in their behavior, but I definitely feel better.

There’s a very specific situation where you meet someone that your bestie hates and therefore you are obligated to hate them also. At this moment you have the choice to live in solidarity or to be a kind and decent person. If you’re like me, you like to take the low road. This move was also featured on the Office:

All you do is accuse them of farting. It’s simple and classic.

Also you can mispronounce their name as long as possible.

I think it’s important to include that passive aggressive behavior is in no way healthy and that kindness is key. Also only be a dick if the other person really really deserves it.

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