Depression by Numbers

I’ve been writing this in my head for a long time and October is the perfect month to write it all down. In case anyone didn’t know, this past week was Mental Health Awareness Week. I am now making a commitment to talk openly about my depression and I hope that conversation will help to end the stigma against mental illness.

I’ve struggled with depression for a long ass time. I feel that whenever I tried to talk to anyone about my depression that no one would take me seriously because I often seem cheerful. I’ve always tried to cope with my depression by using humor- it’s easier to laugh at the things that bother me rather than let them affect me more. Ultimately I’m not sure if this was the best method to use; it’s really difficult to work my own negative emotions when other people expect you to be their personal comedienne.

So I normally work through my depression alone in my home. I block some of it out with netflix and sleep and wait for something to happen or for someone to talk to me so I can distract myself for a little longer. It’s harder living at home in Littleton since my housing environment is not great and I don’t have classes or a lot of work to keep me occupied.

The thing is that I don’t hate my depression. It’s a part of my life, much like a bad roommate. The best I can hope for is that it will eventually move on.

For now I’m embracing it. I try to think of my life as a giant paint-by-numbers and my emotions and experiences give me the colors I need to make it beautiful and dynamic. I want to work with a full pallet and learn from all of my experiences.

I realize this doesn’t work for everyone and that everyone deals differently, but hopefully you all can get something from it.

Also I have been employed for almost a week now. I am a hostess at a restaurant near me and I’m pretty sure I suck at it but whatever. I hope if buys me enough time to figure out what I want to do with my future. Also kind of hoping I help a strange old person cross the street and they gift me with $50,000 for my random act of kindness.

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