These Are My Confessions

I haven’t written anything in two week because nothing particularly interesting is happening to me.

Pretty much, I spend my days hanging out in my basement trying to finish my term papers and I watch insane amounts of tv. It would be fair to say that I’m depressed. I’m separated from all the things that made me cool and interesting and far from the people who know me. Not all the people, because I still have my main hos (looking at you Janay, Maddi, Poot Poot) but it’s really hard going from living around campuses to living in Little-fun. I don’t even know how to make friends as an adult. To quote Taylor Swift, 22 is happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time.

I’m working on getting a job right now. I had an interview at DU on Monday which I’ll find out about on Friday. I would really like a job on a college campus, I think it would make me feel more normal.

Anyway here are some things about my life now:

-My cat has been really nice to me since I’ve been home. I’m worried that he’s being nice because he’s secretly dying or he’s being nice because he’s one of those cats that can sense death and he thinks I’m going to die soon.

-I have two highlights every week. Tuesday nights when I do bar trivia with my mom and Friday afternoons when I binge watch the week’s Jeopardy! episodes that I recorded.

-I got my ass back in the gym. After three days, I developed tendinitis in both my elbows due to improper form and now I can’t extend my arms. I’m walking around like a T-Rex.

-I had to stop playing my video game because I had a sex dream about one of the characters and now I’m too embarrassed so I just gave up.

-I think I’ve seen every commercial that’s airing right now.

-It took me 7 years to prepare myself to watch Marley and Me. 7 years was not enough.

– I just started to watch Sex and the City, I hate all the characters except John Corbett.

-Since I’ve been off birth control, I have no control over my emotions. I cry at everything. There’s this Amazon commercial where this dog is wearing a cast and can’t walk as fast as the other dogs so its dad bought him a chest carrier and I wept for 10 minutes because now the dog could go as fast as it’s friends.

-I also cried because my fish and the scumsucker have been roommates for 7 years. The fish poops and the scumsucker eats it and they benefit each other and I was crying because I was imagining that they were best friends.

-I crushed Flamin’ Hot cheetos into a burrito from Taco Bell and it was my new low.

-I am spending a lot of time trying to make a plan for my next trip to Europe but I have no idea when it’ll be possible

– My mom feeds the squirrels in the yard and has given them all names based on their physical attributes. I’m glad she didn’t use this method while naming me.

-The video game thing was the closest thing I’ve had to a date since I’ve been back.

-Everyone stop buying products with microbeads in them. They’re ruining everybody’s lives and eating all our steak. But really, if we stop buying stuff that’s harmful to the environment, the companies will stop making products that are ruining the environment. It’s that simple and also those microbeads literally do nothing. They don’t even exfoliate, they’re really just there for show.

-All John Hughes movies are shit. Except maybe Home Alone, but even that is on the edge.

-Everyday I sit on the line between self loathing and thinking I’m okay. I kind of feel like I’m doomed to be a mediocrity my whole life and sometimes I think “being a mediocrity is okay, I can do that” and sometimes I feel like I will die having wasted all my potential because I was too afraid of pursuing the things I want but the problem is that I also don’t know what I want so I will spend so much time waiting to find out what I want that I will end up doing nothing.

-I wanted to start a meet up group for post grads within my circle, but I don’t want to embarrass myself with a public failure.

-Everyday I practice raising one eyebrow in a mirror for about 20 minutes.It’s really hard.

Anyway, I’m glad to be writing again and hopefully the content will be better in the future.

Also, I thought the #masculinitysofragile trend was excellent except for the fact that I had hoped it would put more emphasis on the toxic effects of masculinity and how the need to affirm one’s masculinity is often associated with violence. I actually wrote a paper about this for one of my feminism classes so here’s a brief summary about why this is all a thing:

Masculinity and femininity are constructs that are unnecessarily gendered. Gender itself is an unnecessary social constructs, but that’s for later. If we imagine a human free from society, it would be assumed that this person would demonstrate both feminine and masculine traits regardless of their junk. When we began to assign characteristics to people based on whether they had an innie or an outie shit really started to happen. These characteristics started to become a value system wherein “masculine” traits became more valued than “feminine” traits, and the gender to which masculinity was assigned became more powerful. This is the power imbalance that we call the patriarchal hierarchy. And over thousands of years of development it remains today. While we consider masculinity to be the currency of power, men are terrified to lose any of the power they have and therefore need to constantly reaffirm their status. Women don’t deal with that shit so often because women are systematically oppressed by the power hierarchy. And gendered products are all a result of companies trying to capitalize on these insecurities and want to make people believe that they can buy their affirmations.

So that’s that.

Look at this dumb asshole who gets stuck in between the fence on a daily basis-

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