The Science of Having Not Friends

This is something that’s been sitting on me for a while and no one knows how to deal with it:

You’re associated with a large group of people. You like some people and you don’t like some people and some people you just don’t care about enough to define them. The problem is that these people desire a label and they can’t handle being a neutral party so they find ways to irritate you into making them something and then they aren’t happy with what you gave them so you just become enemies.

The way I deal with this now is that I force them to think they’re neutral despite my personal feelings. It’s kind of like flipping them off behind their backs. How I do this is I:

-Never talk about them to anyone unless someone else brings them up and then say how you think but put it out there in vague terms. Example, someone asks you if you don’t like some chick and you say “I don’t think we have compatible personalities. She’s just a little too different from me to feel like we’ll ever be good friends.” and bam, you didn’t insult anyone and you kept it on you. You didn’t insult their character or anything so it can’t come back against you because people can’t tell you to make your personalities compatible.”

-Only speak to them using neutral terms with a pleasant voice: Never give an opinion on anything. Like, i they ask you if you prefer chocolate or vanilla, you say “Oh, I like them both” and just smile and keep throwing this out. You can’t let them make an opinion of you based on ANY of your opinions. You keep the power by denying information or an opportunity to learn more about you. You still have to be nice, but boring nice like Walmart greeters.

-If you’re super petty like me, never say anything you don’t mean to them. Don’t say “Good morning” unless you hope they have a good morning, because you can just say “morning” and it serves as a greeting without well-wishing.You can say “It’s your birthday!” in a cheerful voice but you are doing nothing but making a statement. The game is polite indifference.

Remember that you don’t have to be friends with people just because you have mutual friends or because someone thinks you should. If you don’t want to follow someone on Twitter or Facebook, don’t do it out of obligation because if it ends up irritating you then you’ll find yourself even more pissed off. Just don’t get butthurt if they do the same to you.

This all stemmed from recent events. Also, if you are a mutual friend and it bothers you that two people don’t get along, get over yourself. It’s not about you or making your life more convenient. Respect your friend(s) enough to let them make their own choices on who they want in their lives. Don’t do the peacemaker, conference call shit because then I’ll probably just keep you out of my life too.

In other news: I wish I could grow an ironic, post-Hipster trend beard. It’s not like I’m a lady anymore anyway. I’ll just keep going to the gym and hope for the best.

I just finished Orange is the New Black and I think I could probably be fine with being someone’s wife. Also I’m good at speaking like a prison lady now.

I am the champion of communicating with children. A blessing and a curse.

Lately Maria and I have been spending 3-4 hours in the gym everyday. I feel like I’m dying all the time but I’m going back to school in 3 weeks and I have to work it so all the boys wanna get up on this.

Going to the DMV tomorrow to get a new license because I’m a dumb bitch.

Birthday in 3.5 months WHAT!

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