If you don’t know, I’m Catholic and I go to church every Sunday. Church is an excellent place to people watch because you sit in the same place for an hour and there’s a lot of time in between important parts to scope people out and judge them. It’s really easy to categorize people and families into groups based on the culture of whichever church I’m in. My church in Centennial is really big and pretty much just white and middle class. In Greeley it’s more diverse, but you see a lot of the same types. Basically you have your:
Perfect Family: All the boys are wearing polos with khakis and their hair is parted on the side and all the girls are wearing appropriate length dresses and matching accessories. They with the parents on each end of their group of kids and they are exemplary parishioners. They drive SUVS.
The Dysfunctional Family: This was definitely my family growing up. So these families are louder when they come in and spend a lot of the mass whispering to each other, pinching each other, some of them are sleeping and the parents split their time between trying to set an example and trying to keep their kids from killing each other.Some of them are wearing church appropriate clothes and some of them are wearing t-shirts and jeans.
The Single Mom: So this is a woman who comes in with her kids and is trying to round up everyone. She always looks stressed out and usually has a diaper bag full of dry cereals that they brought to shut their kids up. Sometimes the dad is there, but he’s kind of leaving it up to her to take care of stuff. The kids are way more likely to stand up and stare at you and make you feel super uncomfortable.
The Herald: This is always an old man who feels it necessary to give every response much louder and much slower than everyone else. Sometimes in Latin. These guys are old douches and when you shake their hand they actually try to hurt you.
The Rockstar: This is a person in the choir who gets way too into the music. It almost makes you uncomfortable because they bring this level of intensity in every song and you want to be like “chill out bro” but you can’t because he’s just lovin’ Jesus.
The American Idol: This is me. This is the person in the congregation that will not actually join a choir, but will sing loudly and well in the hopes that the people around her will shower her with compliments.
The Party: This person rolls in a little late and takes a seat near the back. They are obviously hungover and you know they were partying the night before because you saw them at a party. This happens to me more than I’d like to admit.
The DILF: There are so many hot dads, I just can’t….
The Regret: This is a super hot guy that you were scoping out who was just recognized for entering the seminary.
Big Hat: This is an old lady who wears fabulous clothes and wonderfully large hats that block the view of the three rows behind her. Bitch.
The “What”: So a couple years ago, the English speaking Catholic Church started using a new translation of the mass so a lot of the words were different. You only get to catch these people around Christmas and Easter, but you can always spot them because where the words were changed their faces get messed up and they look around at everyone else and have no idea what’s going on. It’s hilarious.
In other news, I made my own sugar wax today and I got too enthusiastic about it and now I have no hair anywhere on my body.
Peace out, follow me on Twitter (@KekeKosse)