Keke’s Tips for Success

1. Set your standards really, really low.

2. If people don’t like you, you have a choice to either force your friendship on them or talk about them behind their backs and make everyone hate them.

3. If you like someone, avoid eye contact at all times.

4. Pick a celebrity icon and pledge your support to them.

5. Instead of being really good at one thing, have a basic understanding of many things.

6. Keep your interests broad so that you can hold a conversation with anyone.

7. If you’re telling a story and the audience seems bored, make up facts and stick them in as you go along until they get into it. Just lie, it works.

8. If you want to brag about yourself, change your voice so that you can still talk about yourself but it seems like another character is saying it. I don’t know how better to explain it, but I do it by making my voice really high and saying “yeah” a lot.

9. Win people over with baked goods.

10. Make people feel accepted by bullying them.

11. Make frequent references to movies, plays, tv shows and books.

12. Never say anything political or controversial.

13. Record your life in a journal (or blog) so that when you’re famous you can write a detailed memoir.

14. Stare at butts. All kinds of butts.

15. Read and watch Shakespeare.

16. Do a generally mediocre job on any project you start.

17. Don’t text anyone until you absolutely have to.

18. Never leave your house unless it’s absolutely necessary.

19. If someone tells you not to do something, do it just to spite them.

20. Lie to children.

I have lots more, but I’m currently making cookies.

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